Being Egyptian

What does it mean to be an Egyptian?

It means knowing that Cameroon and Mowkawleen goalkeeping great, Joseph-Antoine Bell, will forever be Bill Atwan.

Klopp to Ahly

EXCLUSIVE 

Mokhtar El-Tetsh, Cairo, Associated Bress

Klopp

Egyptian football club Ahly, the self-proclaimed Club of the Century, today announced the appointment of Jurgen Klopp as its next manager. The hotly sought-after Klopp succeeds Fathi Mabrouk, following a disappointing season in which Ahly failed to win at either the domestic or international level.

The Day Egypt Changed

Coming on the heals of a dominating league campaign, the final whistle that formalized Zamalek's mauling of Ahly in the Cup final, marked the point hope for real change might finally start to come to Egypt.   

Ahly is the core symbol of Egypt's corrupt soul, unshakable through all of the tumult of the country's modern history by surviving, co-opting and bribing its way to one title after the other. That pompous, deceitful and negative "Ahly is Egypt" has been crushed.  

In its place is an electric, creative and exciting Zamalek, full of all the hope and promise that has been so long repressed by Ahly and its official cohorts, just as such positive energy has been ever-tyrannized in Egyptian society at large. 

Zamalek's victory is a victory for a new, better and brighter Egypt.

A victory for Egypt

    

      

Egypt Cup Stadium Update

BREAKING NEWS

Road 82, Maadi, Associated Bress

Ending weeks of searching for a suitable site to host the 2015 Egyptian Cup semi-final and final matches, the Egyptian Football Federation (Itihad El Zift) today announced that the Maadi Canal School has been selected for the concluding stages of Egypt's oldest football tournament. Maadi Canal School -- which promotes itself as "Canal Scools - Canal Schools best language schools in Egypt" -- boasts a newly laid dirt field off Road 82 in the Cairo suburb of Maadi.

The semi-finals pit Ahly against Petrojet on September 16 and Zamalek versus Smouha on September 17. The Cup final will be played on September 21. All match dates are subject to coordination with the pending Parliamentary election cycle, and Ahly receiving satisfactory assurances that they will not be further humiliated following their atrocious League campaign. 

Ahly vs. Zamalek

Oh what a difference a finger makes

Zero Vote Revisionism

Stadio Zero El Dawly

So now we know why Egypt's 2010 World Cup bid failed so spectacularly. It was all due to FIFA corruption that slighted the stellar stadium and organizational skills that Egypt possesses...

Sir Alex Ferguson in Ahly

BREAKING NEWS - Alex Ferguson confirmed as new coach of Ahly.  Citing club insiders, Sir Alex was quoted as being excited of the opportunity to coach "batal el qarn" in its ambition to win the league title.

Ahly, Zamalek and Everything That is Wrong with Egypt

A few years ago, Ahly fans starting taking signs to the stadium -- back when spectators were actually allowed to attend matches -- professing that "Ahly is Egypt". This slogan was added to the even more ambitious declaration of Ahly as the global "Club of the Century". But if batal el qarn is a laughable proclamation, in many ways Ahly indeed is Egypt. 

Ahly is an Egypt that is corrupt, arrogant and classless. It is an Egypt that thrives on domestic trickery, and that is an utter failure when tested outside its controlled local and regional environment. It is an Egypt that churns out tacky and shallow illusions of grandeur. It is an Egypt that is not just. Ahly is an Egypt of quantity and no quality.

batal el qarn

Achievements of Ahly (aka batal el qarn, team of morals, etc) in just one week:

• player suspended for physical assault on a referee;

• player fined 150K for refusing to be substituted;

• player found criminally guilty for assaulting a police officer;

• scoreless tie against a team from Assiut that was in the third division two years ago (even after Ahly complained its way into having the match delayed);

• board of directors embarrassing themselves by threatening to withdraw from league due to a grand conspiracy against the club.

All this continues the illustrious history of greed, corruption and scandal upon which Ahly has been built.

Guns, Goals and Happy Meals

Reason #274 for why Egypt is just a tad bit different than everywhere else. Not only are nearly a quarter of the teams in top division of the football league directly affiliated either with the military or the police, but all of them are sponsored by McDonald's.

This is Ahly

- The club of corruption and scandal.

- The club of greed.

- The club of robbed trophies.  

- The club taken over by Islamist retrogrades.

- The club that shows no shame in abandoning its legends of past and present.  

Ahly, Zamalek, Boredom

A faintly familiar game played in Gouna

Unsatisfied with domineering political life, centralizing the economy and  straight jacketing religious and social norms, the vampires have sunk their teeth deeper into one of the last bastions of free expression in Egypt, the rivalry between Zamalek and Ahly. The African Champions League match-up between the two (no local competition face offs being any longer possible, thanks to the idiotic decision to cancel the league and cup) was played in circumstances that can be charitably described as intentionally horrendous. Unpaid players who have not faced a competitive match in months were commandeered to run around in broiling temperatures at a wind swept field on the Red Sea in the middle of the fasting month of Ramadan. 

The game itself was a predictably terrible stalemate, lacking in every facet. The only people leaving happy were the authorities congratulating themselves for the wondrous achievement of staging a football match for ninety minutes, complete with twenty-two players in neat uniforms and even some fans with waving flags who braved the uncertainty of whether they would be allowed to attend.

Another victory for dulling unity, another loss for Egypt. 

Red Card: Zamalek is too big for you

Off you go

It started off as a bad joke back in 2011 when the Muslim Brotherhood suggested it would field a sporting club to bring its pious practices to national sporting competition. Apparently, they were not kidding, but instead of taking on Zamalek and Ahly, they have decided to simply take them over. The bearded ones have announced that they will contest in Zamalek's upcoming board elections, risking putting Egypt's greatest club at the mercy of political zealots. 

Morsi and company have tested the country's patience with a year's worth of utter incompetence, with everything from polarizing politics and yo-yo economic declarations to televising live their spy fiction diplomacy, making stone age cultural pronouncements and appointing terrorists as governors in the country's key tourist zones. They have managed to float by thanks to an equally, if not even more, incompetent opposition, which has conspired with the Brotherhood to destroy any semblance of a functioning state. 

Ahly's Robbery

Either we win, or else...

Captain Bob: Egypt is not Ahly

Coach Bob Bradley has done an admirable job sticking with Egyptian football through all of the challenges he has faced since taking the reigns in 2011. He appears astute (even if somewhat overly tactical) in game planning, and all reports are that he gets along well with the federation, players and fans, a feat that should not be underestimated given their chaotic natures. However, his myopic focus on Ahly and external leagues for the national team's player selection is putting the World Cup 2014 qualification objective at risk. 

Not good

True as it is that the scouting process has been made more difficult because of the stoppage of the domestic league for twelve months (and major kuddos to all for getting it re-started, even if without fans), a goalkeeper as poor as Sherif Ekramy simply has no place on the team. He is bad with Ahly, and he is bad with Egypt. Mohamed Abou Treika's aging legs sunk Egypt in the decisive qualifier versus Algeria in 2010, and three years on, he is not getting any better, nor will he by summer 2014. Same goes for the likes of Wael Gomaa and Sayed Moawad. And who is Adam El Abd? No one had heard of the guy before, and for good reason since he is terrible, but Bradley constantly picks a sluggish defender playing on a provincial side in England, seemingly only because he is playing on a provincial side in England.

Bull Shit Justice

Egypt has outdone its pathetic self and found a new low. In a vain, politicized, chaotic and cowardly decision, the Egyptian "justice system" has concluded that twenty-one more fans must die. This is how justice is served for the seventy-two (or seventy-four...even the number of dead from the Masry-Ahly debacle is not known, but such minor details needn't interfere with getting on with things). The exigencies of chalking up a victory for the incompetent prosecution, throwing a bone to the dogs barking for accountability for the sixty years of the raping of the country, the legitimizing of conspiracy narratives, quieting the court-room mayhem and giving a sense of satisfaction to the self-identified revolutionary heroes of Tahrir, made throwing away twenty-one irrelevant lives from provincial Port Said an easy call.

Premiership, Bundesliga, UAE Pro League and the Dawry: It's All Relative

You're missing out ya Shika!

Last week, Egyptian football stars abroad put on a pretty good showing, with decisive assists and goals by Shikabala, Zidan, El Mohamady and Ibrahim Salah.  Unfortunately, this was against Ittihad Kalba (Bitch United?), Al-Dharfa, Leeds and FC Amriswil, and not against Parma (against whom Shika would have been playing had he transferred to Napoli), Bayern Munich (had Zidan not thrown away his Bundesliga career to cash in at the tad less competitive UAE Pro League) or Liverpool (had Elmo played to potential with Sunderland in the Premier League).  Ibrahim Saleh's adventure to Basel gets a pass, for now, given it is the beginning of what can be a very promising experience abroad.  

Christians, Muslims and Soccer in Egypt

It is difficult for the majority of Egypt's Muslim majority, let alone outsiders (including the team Obama pinheads), to understand the depth of discrimination against Christians in Egypt.  The tendency is to only consider the issue when there is a violent outburst, which is quickly explained away as an isolated act by social deviants, a family feud or part of a conspiracy not involving Egyptians.  A more revealing reflection on the true status of the country's religious disharmony is seen in football, the country's national sporting pastime and passion.

Based on an unscientific review of the rosters of the nineteen or twenty teams of Egypt's still-dormant premier league for the 2012-13 season (even knowing the number of teams that will play in the league with an unknown start date is too much to ask for the comically disorganized football federation), there is not a single Egyptian Christian player, coach or trainer. If you stretch back over the past three or four decades, virtually no Copts are to be found (Hany Ramzy being the most notable exception, another the adequate but not super Mohsen Abdel Masih of Ismaily). The same holds true at the junior ranks and throughout the sporting clubs across the country.

Mafeesh Fayda

Revolution or not, fans or not, on-time start or not, it's the same old, same old.  Dubious penalty, red card, Ahly wins.

Ahly Lost in the Heart of Darkness