Friday, August 26, 2016

Church Building Boom in Egypt

On occasion of reaching "full consensus" on the draft law regulating the construction and repair of churches in Egypt, the Government has released a picture of the prototype of the places of worship that may be soon built across the country. It is anticipated that up to three of the ten square-metered churches will be fast-tracked for construction within the next twenty-five years, subject to obtaining the requisite permits from the seventeen involved ministries. The issuance of the draft law follows months of transparent engagement with the public. Though no one has yet seen the actual text, the law is said to be based on internationally-recognized standards for the building of nuclear facilities for housing leper colonies in earthquake prone city centers. It is expected to receive unanimous approval of the Parliament.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Phelps and the Global Conspiracy against Egypt and Ahly

Citing widely-circulated photographs of U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps flashing a four fingered salute after completing the 200 meter individual medley in the Olympic Games being held in Rio de Janeiro, Medhat El-Ghaby, spokesman for Egypt's Ministry of Truth, who doubles as goalkeeping coach for Ahly, decried the systemic conspiracy against the Egyptian state and Ahly. Speaking to a group of three Brazilian pensioners who congregated at the Egyptian consulate in Rio on occasion of "Free Kofta Day", El-Ghaby issued a somewhat disjointed statement, declaring that "[a]s everyone knows, holding up four fingers in this manner is a symbol of the mass suicide committed by the terrorist Muslim Brotherhood organization that has cunning agents masquerading as Olympians.  This has caused Egypt not to win any gold medals and made Ahly -- which is Egypt -- lose both the Egyptian Cup final and drop out of the Champions League. Egypt and Ahly -- which is batal el qarn -- will not stand for this, end of statement."  

Monday, April 11, 2016

Fantasy Island

Following the uproar surrounding a deal struck by Egypt to transfer sovereignty to Saudi Arabia of the Tiran and Sanafir islands located at the adjusted maritime border between the countries, Egyptian authorities have announced the acquisition of Fantasy Island.  Fantasy Island -- referred locally as Fandazee -- will allow Egyptians to live out their dreams, with a minimal entrance fee. The undisclosed fee is payable only in US Dollars, with proceeds set aside for a state-controlled fund with undisclosed objectives.

Za blane is coming, za blane is coming!

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Being Egyptian

What does it mean to be an Egyptian?

It means knowing that Cameroon and Mowkawleen goalkeeping great, Joseph-Antoine Bell, will forever be Bill Atwan.

Monday, November 9, 2015

Everything is Perfect in Egypt

In an effort to bolster its damaged image, Egypt's Ministry of Truth announced it has retained the Sopranos family to enforce the new "Everything is Perfect in Egypt" campaign. To encourage participation, Paulie will partner with local hit-man Mustafa Ziftaway to whack whining journalists who fail to report on the country's unrivaled excellence.     

Egypt not perfect enough for you?  

Monday, October 19, 2015

Massive Voter Turnout

Refuting reports of low voter turnout in Egypt's parliamentary elections, state media pointed to lines with wait times stretching over three hours to enter voting booths in the southern district of Sohag.

Qesm El Awal, Sohag

Monday, October 12, 2015

EXCLUSIVE: Pac-Man in Homs

Acknowledging his mistake in confusing a grainy upload from the video game Apache: Air Assault with real life footage of Russian airstrikes in Syria, leading Egyptian strategist Ahmed Moussa led off his his daily talk show with exclusive video showing Russian ground troops entering the contested city of Homs. In the video still, Russian commandos disguised as Pac-Man can be seen literally eating up enemy troops. 

"The ability to swallow up U.S.-Saudi-Qatari-Turkish conspirators Blinky, Inky, Pinky and Clyde with a single power pellet, and also devour the enemy-planted cherry, reveals the powers of Russian troops" declared Moussa. Moussa predicted the ground operations would be over after Level 9.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Klopp to Ahly


Mokhtar El-Tetsh, Cairo, Associated Bress

Egyptian football club Ahly, the self-proclaimed Club of the Century, today announced the appointment of Jurgen Klopp as its next manager. The hotly sought-after Klopp succeeds Fathi Mabrouk, following a disappointing season in which Ahly failed to win at either the domestic or international level.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Day Egypt Changed

Coming on the heals of a dominating league campaign, the final whistle that formalized Zamalek's mauling of Ahly in the Cup final, marked the point hope for real change might finally start to come to Egypt.   

Ahly is the core symbol of Egypt's corrupt soul, unshakable through all of the tumult of the country's modern history by surviving, co-opting and bribing its way to one title after the other. That pompous, deceitful and negative "Ahly is Egypt" has been crushed.  

In its place is an electric, creative and exciting Zamalek, full of all the hope and promise that has been so long repressed by Ahly and its official cohorts, just as such positive energy has been ever-tyrannized in Egyptian society at large. 

Zamalek's victory is a victory for a new, better and brighter Egypt.

A victory for Egypt



Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Egypt Cup Stadium Update


Road 82, Maadi
Associated Bress

Ending weeks of searching for a suitable site to host the 2015 Egyptian Cup semi-final and final matches, the Egyptian Football Federation (Itihad El Zift) today announced that the Maadi Canal School has been selected for the concluding stages of Egypt's oldest football tournament. Maadi Canal School -- which promotes itself as "Canal Scools - Canal Schools best language schools in Egypt" -- boasts a newly laid dirt field off Road 82 in the Cairo suburb of Maadi.

The semi-finals pit Ahly against Petrojet on September 16 and Zamalek versus Smouha on September 17. The Cup final will be played on September 21. All match dates are subject to coordination with the pending Parliamentary election cycle, and Ahly receiving satisfactory assurances that they will not be further humiliated following their atrocious League campaign. 

Monday, July 13, 2015

July 13 Revolution

East Benha - Associated Bress

Organized celebrations
Authorities today decreed July 13 "Half-way Revolution Day". When asked to explain the reason for the new holiday, General Afifi explained that given the downtime between the July 3 and July 23 celebrations, it made sense to bridge the gap with another mid-way commemoration of the country's "Arab Summer" democratic-military takeovers. Moreover, he noted the leadership views the citizenry as so lazy and useless, that giving them another day off would avoid the need to turn on air conditioning in ministry buildings on a hot day.

Officials have warned that they will aggressively enforce the anti-terrorism decree banning any "excessive behavior" on Half-way Revolution Day, including, without limitation, walking too quickly.

Friday, June 5, 2015

Zero Vote Revisionism

Stadio Zero El Dawly
So now we know why Egypt's 2010 World Cup bid failed so spectacularly. It was all due to FIFA corruption that slighted the stellar stadium and organizational skills that Egypt possesses...

Monday, May 25, 2015

Party Likes It's 1962

The clock on economic policy in Egypt (and for what counts these days as governance more generally) is not being turned back to 2010, 1990 nor even the 1970s - it's going all the way back to the command and control hey-days of the early 1960s.

It was a failure then.  It is a failure now.

Neatly stored cans

Monday, May 4, 2015

Sir Alex Ferguson in Ahly

BREAKING NEWS - Alex Ferguson confirmed as new coach of Ahly.  Citing club insiders, Sir Alex was quoted as being excited of the opportunity to coach "batal el qarn" in its ambition to win the league title.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Before there was Nasser

A recent and glorious history so far removed from the destruction of the past sixty years that it seems it never existed. And yet, it did.

Monday, January 12, 2015

The mentality of إشمعنى أنا

The mentality of modern Egyptian society can be summed up in one conveniently escapist and all-encompassing word:  إشمعنى.

  • إشمعنى I have to stand in line, if no one else does? 
  • إشمعنى I should pay taxes, if no one else does? 
  • إشمعنى I should allow the ambulance to pass me, if no one else does? 
  • إشمعنى I should work my way up the ladder instead of using a wasta, if no one else does? 
  • إشمعنى I should hold on to my used tissue and dispose of it in a garbage bin five meters away instead of just tossing it out the window, if no one else does?
  • إشمعنى I should be told not to blow my cigarette smoke straight into your face, if everyone else does?
  • إشمعنى I should accept criticism of our pristine courts, if O.J. Simpson was found not guilty?
  • إشمعنى I should listen to lectures on democracy, if President Bush was elected by hanging chads?
  • إشمعنى I should care if our police officers kill one or two or a thousand protesters, if it happens in Ferguson and New York City?
  • إشمعنى I should sympathize with the death of a few Europeans at the hands of terrorists, if Europeans (and we, but let's not digress) don't sympathize with the thousands killed by terrorists here?
  • إشمعنى I should tolerate any criticism of my religious tenants, if the Crusaders also abused Christian teachings in the Middle Ages? 
  • إشمعنى I should bear any personal or societal responsibility for anything at all?   
إشمعنى أنا يعني؟

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Ahly, Zamalek and Everything That is Wrong with Egypt

A few years ago, Ahly fans starting taking signs to the stadium -- back when spectators were actually allowed to attend matches -- professing that "Ahly is Egypt". This slogan was added to the even more ambitious declaration of Ahly as the global "Club of the Century". But if batal el qarn is a laughable proclamation, in many ways Ahly indeed is Egypt. 

Ahly is an Egypt that is corrupt, arrogant and classless. It is an Egypt that thrives on domestic trickery, and that is an utter failure when tested outside its controlled local and regional environment. It is an Egypt that churns out tacky and shallow illusions of grandeur. It is an Egypt that is not just. Ahly is an Egypt of quantity and no quality.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Injustice is Justice - Justice is Injustice

This was never about the trial of one man. Sentenced or not, Egypt was, is and -- unless and until its people are willing to reflect on themselves and accept the need to systematically overhaul their pathetic reality -- will always be condemned to backwardness, by its incompetent form of governance, superficial and conformist culture, corrupt and manipulative religious institutions, defunct educational system and rotten economic model. The revolution that never was, is still waiting to ever be

Friday, October 31, 2014

batal el qarn

Achievements of Ahly (aka batal el qarn, team of morals, etc) in just one week:
  • board of directors embarrassing themselves by threatening to withdraw from league due to a grand conspiracy against the club.
All this continues the illustrious history of greed, corruption and scandal upon which Ahly has been built.

Monday, October 13, 2014