Monday, November 9, 2015

Everything is Perfect in Egypt

In an effort to bolster its damaged image, Egypt's Ministry of Truth announced it has retained the Sopranos family to enforce the new "Everything is Perfect in Egypt" campaign. To encourage participation, Paulie will partner with local hit-man Mustafa Ziftaway to whack whining journalists who fail to report on the country's unrivaled excellence.     

Egypt not perfect enough for you?  

Monday, October 19, 2015

Massive Voter Turnout

Refuting reports of low voter turnout in Egypt's parliamentary elections, state media pointed to lines with wait times stretching over three hours to enter voting booths in the southern district of Sohag.

Qesm El Awal, Sohag

Monday, October 12, 2015

EXCLUSIVE: Pac-Man in Homs

Acknowledging his mistake in confusing a grainy upload from the video game Apache: Air Assault with real life footage of Russian airstrikes in Syria, leading Egyptian strategist Ahmed Moussa led off his his daily talk show with exclusive video showing Russian ground troops entering the contested city of Homs. In the video still, Russian commandos disguised as Pac-Man can be seen literally eating up enemy troops. 

"The ability to swallow up U.S.-Saudi-Qatari-Turkish conspirators Blinky, Inky, Pinky and Clyde with a single power pellet, and also devour the enemy-planted cherry, reveals the powers of Russian troops" declared Moussa. Moussa predicted the ground operations would be over after Level 9.

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Klopp to Ahly


Mokhtar El-Tetsh, Cairo, Associated Bress

Egyptian football club Ahly, the self-proclaimed Club of the Century, today announced the appointment of Jurgen Klopp as its next manager. The hotly sought-after Klopp succeeds Fathi Mabrouk, following a disappointing season in which Ahly failed to win at either the domestic or international level.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

The Day Egypt Changed

Coming on the heals of a dominating league campaign, the final whistle that formalized Zamalek's mauling of Ahly in the Cup final, marked the point hope for real change might finally start to come to Egypt.   

Ahly is the core symbol of Egypt's corrupt soul, unshakable through all of the tumult of the country's modern history by surviving, co-opting and bribing its way to one title after the other. That pompous, deceitful and negative "Ahly is Egypt" has been crushed.  

In its place is an electric, creative and exciting Zamalek, full of all the hope and promise that has been so long repressed by Ahly and its official cohorts, just as such positive energy has been ever-tyrannized in Egyptian society at large. 

Zamalek's victory is a victory for a new, better and brighter Egypt.

A victory for Egypt



Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Egypt Cup Stadium Update


Road 82, Maadi
Associated Bress

Ending weeks of searching for a suitable site to host the 2015 Egyptian Cup semi-final and final matches, the Egyptian Football Federation (Itihad El Zift) today announced that the Maadi Canal School has been selected for the concluding stages of Egypt's oldest football tournament. Maadi Canal School -- which promotes itself as "Canal Scools - Canal Schools best language schools in Egypt" -- boasts a newly laid dirt field off Road 82 in the Cairo suburb of Maadi.

The semi-finals pit Ahly against Petrojet on September 16 and Zamalek versus Smouha on September 17. The Cup final will be played on September 21. All match dates are subject to coordination with the pending Parliamentary election cycle, and Ahly receiving satisfactory assurances that they will not be further humiliated following their atrocious League campaign. 

Monday, July 13, 2015

July 13 Revolution

East Benha - Associated Bress

Organized celebrations
Authorities today decreed July 13 "Half-way Revolution Day". When asked to explain the reason for the new holiday, General Afifi explained that given the downtime between the July 3 and July 23 celebrations, it made sense to bridge the gap with another mid-way commemoration of the country's "Arab Summer" democratic-military takeovers. Moreover, he noted the leadership views the citizenry as so lazy and useless, that giving them another day off would avoid the need to turn on air conditioning in ministry buildings on a hot day.

Officials have warned that they will aggressively enforce the anti-terrorism decree banning any "excessive behavior" on Half-way Revolution Day, including, without limitation, walking too quickly.

Friday, June 5, 2015

Zero Vote Revisionism

Stadio Zero El Dawly
So now we know why Egypt's 2010 World Cup bid failed so spectacularly. It was all due to FIFA corruption that slighted the stellar stadium and organizational skills that Egypt possesses...

Monday, May 25, 2015

Party Likes It's 1962

The clock on economic policy in Egypt (and for what counts these days as governance more generally) is not being turned back to 2010, 1990 nor even the 1970s - it's going all the way back to the command and control hey-days of the early 1960s.

It was a failure then.  It is a failure now.

Neatly stored cans

Monday, May 4, 2015

Sir Alex Ferguson in Ahly

BREAKING NEWS - Alex Ferguson confirmed as new coach of Ahly.  Citing club insiders, Sir Alex was quoted as being excited of the opportunity to coach "batal el qarn" in its ambition to win the league title.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Before there was Nasser

A recent and glorious history so far removed from the destruction of the past sixty years that it seems it never existed. And yet, it did.

Monday, January 12, 2015

The mentality of إشمعنى أنا

The mentality of modern Egyptian society can be summed up in one conveniently escapist and all-encompassing word:  إشمعنى.

  • إشمعنى I have to stand in line, if no one else does? 
  • إشمعنى I should pay taxes, if no one else does? 
  • إشمعنى I should allow the ambulance to pass me, if no one else does? 
  • إشمعنى I should work my way up the ladder instead of using a wasta, if no one else does? 
  • إشمعنى I should hold on to my used tissue and dispose of it in a garbage bin five meters away instead of just tossing it out the window, if no one else does?
  • إشمعنى I should be told not to blow my cigarette smoke straight into your face, if everyone else does?
  • إشمعنى I should accept criticism of our pristine courts, if O.J. Simpson was found not guilty?
  • إشمعنى I should listen to lectures on democracy, if President Bush was elected by hanging chads?
  • إشمعنى I should care if our police officers kill one or two or a thousand protesters, if it happens in Ferguson and New York City?
  • إشمعنى I should sympathize with the death of a few Europeans at the hands of terrorists, if Europeans (and we, but let's not digress) don't sympathize with the thousands killed by terrorists here?
  • إشمعنى I should tolerate any criticism of my religious tenants, if the Crusaders also abused Christian teachings in the Middle Ages? 
  • إشمعنى I should bear any personal or societal responsibility for anything at all?   
إشمعنى أنا يعني؟

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Ahly, Zamalek and Everything That is Wrong with Egypt

A few years ago, Ahly fans starting taking signs to the stadium -- back when spectators were actually allowed to attend matches -- professing that "Ahly is Egypt". This slogan was added to the even more ambitious declaration of Ahly as the global "Club of the Century". But if batal el qarn is a laughable proclamation, in many ways Ahly indeed is Egypt. 

Ahly is an Egypt that is corrupt, arrogant and classless. It is an Egypt that thrives on domestic trickery, and that is an utter failure when tested outside its controlled local and regional environment. It is an Egypt that churns out tacky and shallow illusions of grandeur. It is an Egypt that is not just. Ahly is an Egypt of quantity and no quality.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Injustice is Justice - Justice is Injustice

This was never about the trial of one man. Sentenced or not, Egypt was, is and -- unless and until its people are willing to reflect on themselves and accept the need to systematically overhaul their pathetic reality -- will always be condemned to backwardness, by its incompetent form of governance, superficial and conformist culture, corrupt and manipulative religious institutions, defunct educational system and rotten economic model. The revolution that never was, is still waiting to ever be

Friday, October 31, 2014

batal el qarn

Achievements of Ahly (aka batal el qarn, team of morals, etc) in just one week:
  • board of directors embarrassing themselves by threatening to withdraw from league due to a grand conspiracy against the club.
All this continues the illustrious history of greed, corruption and scandal upon which Ahly has been built.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Obama's White Hairs

The mystery behind the growing take over of white hairs on the head of President Barack Obama has been finally explained.  No, it is not the stress of dealing with the nearly $18 trillion national debt, nor is it the ongoing difficulties associated with his signature healthcare program, nor the risk of his party losing Senate control in the midterm elections, nor even his historically low public approval ratings. The natural loss of pigmentation in the hair of aging humans also does not account for this.

The answer instead is that Obama's hairs have turned white in the face of the heroic defiance of his misguided policies by Egypt's lionhearted leader.  

Repent Mr. Obama.    

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Egypt and Ferguson

In addition to involving demonstrators with raised arms facing off against the police, there are numerous other similarities between the situations in Ferguson 2014 and Tahrir 2011...

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

It didn't have to be this way...but it is

Egypt should not be a country where the only substantive political dialogue comes in the form of bloody attacks and mass death sentences. Egypt should not be a country where economic performance is measured by the number of hours when the power is on and months until stockpiles of grain run out. Egypt should not be a country ridden by class, generational and religious divides that have all but eliminated any true sense of living for a greater good. Egypt should not be any of this, but it is.  

It is tempting to wish all of this away, as many energetically tried over the course of the various "revolutions" of the past three and a half years, but the accumulation of over six decades of failure cannot be simply wished away. Flag waving, boisterous songs and hopes for miracle medical devices, however genuine, cannot substitute for nation building. Add to this the many disingenuous, inept and corrupt leaders presiding over a pliable and shallow body politic, and Egypt finds itself in the moribund state that it is in.