Thursday, January 16, 2014

An Interview in Fake Egypt

On occasion of the overwhelming approval of the new constitutional “road map” returning Egypt to its real, democratic and modern self, Real Egypt reporter Mohamed Ahmed journeyed to interview Fake Egypt electrician Ahmed Mohamed.

MA: I apologize for the three hour delay in arriving. Traffic in Fake Egypt is horrendous, and I had to triple-park my car on the sidewalk. We never encounter such things in Real Egypt. Well, actually that is not entirely true, we do experience such problems in Real Egypt too. Come to think of it, this street looks quite familiar...we digress, let's get to it.

AM: 3ady.

MA: Tell me about the situation now in Fake Egypt.

AM: Conditions are not the best. It’s hard to find stable work. I have to pay private tutors to educate all of my children, since they learn nothing at school. Garbage rarely is collected on our dusty and overcrowded street. Bread and gas are relatively cheap, but not always available and of highly variable quality. Tap water comes in various different shades. 
Electric shop in Fake Egypt

MA: Sounds pretty bad. Is your government not assisting you?

AM: No, and what little they do ultimately comes after mass protest and under-the-table payments. They do, however, occasionally paint the street curbs.

MA: Did you vote in the latest referendum?

AM: I would prefer not to answer questions about politics, because if I give the wrong answer, I risk being deemed a foreign conspirator.

MA: What do you people do in your free time?

AM: We all assemble Molotov cocktails and burn things.

MA: Really?

AM: No, I was joking. Usually, we just az az lib, smoke shisha and watch talk shows and football matches. We are all pretty upset that Fake Egypt failed to qualify for the World Cup, but we lost because of the foreign conspiracy led by that blasted American president Obama supporting Real Egypt against Fake Egypt.

MA: I believe you are mistaken on the foreign conspiracy, which in fact is led by that blasted American president Obama in supporting Fake Egypt against us in Real Egypt. Anyway, what did you do during this moolid el-naby?

AM: I bought sugar dolls for my daughters and nieces, and all the family went to the local park with square trees, where we ate fuul sandwiches.

MA: They have sugar dolls, parks with square trees and fuul sandwiches in Fake Egypt?

AM: Yes, even if the parks are pretty dinky.
 May I ask you to briefly describe Real Egypt?

Local pastime in Fake Egypt
MA: In Real Egypt, we also have our street curbs occasionally painted in different colors, and the trees in our rather dinky parks are also are oddly square shaped. We also eat fuul sandwiches and have difficulties finding rock-free bread. Sugar dolls are very popular. 

AM: Is it true that in Real Egypt that you allow for Christians and women to participate in public life?

MA: No, not really. We just pretend to do so.  Is it true that in Fake Egypt you believe in a bloody return to a religious caliphate.

AM: No, not really. We just pretend to do so, mainly because it sounds cool.

MA: Thank you for your time and enlightening us on Fake Egypt. Long live June 30!

AM: Ikhs. Long live January 25!

MA: Ikhs.

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